Friday, August 28, 2009

Man Almost Loses Penis Humping Steel Bench

Man Almost Loses Penis Humping Steel Bench

Last night in Hong Kong, the police received a disturbing call from a man in trouble.

Xing, a 41 year-old man, was calling from LanTian park in the middle of the night. The lonely and disturbed man had apparently thought it would be fun to have sex with one of the steel sit-up benches around the park.

The bench has numerous small holes in it, which Xing used to attempt to satisfy himself. However, once he became aroused he found that he was stuck and could not get his penis out of the small hole.

He panicked and called the police to help him.

When police arrive they found Xian stuck face down where he had been stuck for some time.

When doctors arrived on the scene they tried to release some of the pressure by removing some of his blood, but the penis was so swollen that they ended up having to cut the entire bench free and take it, with Xian attached, to the hospital.

4 painful hours later, Doctors finally separated Xian from his bench.

Doctors stated that if he had been stuck for even an hour longer, they would have had to remove his penis.

Lets just say this is probably one bad date that Xing will never forget.

jackass pontificates on mastering, while stuck in traffic

special thanks to dave cooley for this gem

Gothic Kitties, moron arrested for cat piercings

WILKES-BARRE, Pa. (AP) - Humane officers say a Pennsylvania woman marketed "gothic kittens" with ear, neck and tail piercings over the Internet.

Officers with the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals removed three kittens and a cat Wednesday from a home outside Wilkes-Barre, about 20 miles southwest of Scranton.

Officer Carol Morrison says the society got a tip that the Ross Township woman was selling the pierced kittens on the Internet.

She says, "It's unbelievable anybody would do this to kittens."

Charges are likely against the homeowner, whose name was not released.

Morrison says the woman has a pet grooming business in the basement of her home.

Follow up youtube clip "Gothic Kittens are doing well...Thank God"

Vodka Tampons & Anal Beer Bongs Are All The Rage With Teens In Arizona!!!

According to the Substance Abuse Center in Arizona, kids as young as 12 are shoving tampons soaked with vodka up their unmentionables and ramming beer bongs into their rectums. The reason why? Well, it's a quicker absorption, it's hidden and it's new! There's nothing like damaging your reproductive system at the tender age of 12! I mean common on, it's all the rage to burn the insides your tender young anus and vagina! Oh how I weep for the younger generation...

Noel quits Oasis

I'm including not only because I find the concept fucking funny, but also the fans comments at the end of the piece. Didn't Noel claim he did everything all along anyway, and he was in fact Oasis?

Noel Gallagher "Quitting Oasis"

In the past, relations between the two brothers have been tempestuous

Noel Gallagher has announced he is quitting rock band Oasis because he can no longer work with his brother Liam.

Noel, the founding member of the band, made the statement on the band's website. He said a series of rows with his brother led to the decision.

The guitarist said: "It's with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight.

"People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer."
"Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan," he added.


Earlier it was announced the band had cancelled their second gig in the space of a week because of "an altercation within the band".

They had been expected to play the Rock en Seine festival in Paris, but fans at the concert were told by the support band that Oasis would not be performing.

Many of the crowd thought it was a joke - until screens at either side of the stage showed the message "as a result of an altercation within the band, the Oasis gig has been cancelled".

Oasis fans used Twitter to respond to the news that lead guitarist Noel had quit.

'Worst day ever'

PsychedelicAdam posted: "Noel Gallagher leaves Oasis? Gutted, no more Oasis then I guess, they were one of my favourite bands."

Wolvolass said: "I feel sick, sooo many good memories and gigs seeing Oasis over the years."
MattGriffin added: "This is the worst day ever."

On Sunday the band had also cancelled their headline slot at the V Festival in Essex after Liam was diagnosed with viral laryngitis.

They performed in Stafford on Saturday but the singer was advised by doctors not to perform again.

hey douchebag, don't taze me bro: douchebag on douchebag crime

or douchebags gone wild

I hate that the source for this is TMZ, which is among the things I hate most in the world, but this is just too stupid not to blog

Brody Jenner Tased In Bar Fight With Joe Francis
'Hills' star reportedly gets into fight with 'Girls Gone Wild' founder.

"The Hills" star Brody Jenner reportedly got into a bar fight on Thursday night with "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis at West Hollywood club, Guys and Dolls (the same club where Chris Brown was seen singing and dancing after his sentencing on Tuesday).

TMZ reported that Jenner, who was at the club celebrating his birthday with his girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, apparently threw a drink on Francis after Nicole felt that he was being "unrelentingly" harassing towards an ex-girlfriend of his. The girl is reportedly an acquaintance of both Jenner's and Nicole's.

Jenner said that in response Francis pulled Nicole's hair and punched her in the face. He then threw her to the ground and kicked her. Security broke up the fight and then reportedly "dragged away" both Jenner and Francis. After which Jenner started yelling at Francis and both were thrown out of the club.

While outside, Jenner reportedly tried to get back in to see his girlfriend but security wouldn't allow him to do so. Jenner reportedly then saw Francis and punched him in the face, after which Jenner was tased by an unknown person and fell to the ground. Francis left the scene — not wearing a shirt, judging from photos on TMZ — and police were called. But no arrests were made.

Nicole, who reportedly has injuries that include a swollen face, bruised cheek and left rib and sore lower abdomen as well as hair that got pulled out, told TMZ she plans to press charges.

MTV News' requests to Jenner's and Francis' reps for comment regarding the incident had not been returned by press time.

microsoft apologizes for getting caught in racist photoshop fuckup

“Microsoft has apologized for editing a photo to change a black man's head to that of a white man. The picture, showing employees sitting around a desk, appeared unaltered on the firm's US website. But on the website of its Polish business unit the black man's head was replaced with a white face, although the color of his hands was unchanged. Microsoft said it had pulled the image and would be investigating who made the changes. It apologized for the gaffe.”

The Best Of Both Worlds: Stupid Girls and Auto-Tune.

Sadly, these girls are dead serious in what they do and their "band" name is "Miss Lolitas"...Note several things here. First the blatant rip off of The Flight of the Conchords "Who likes to rock the party?". Lawsuits aside I'm sure the Conchords would be thrilled by the terrifyingly moronic results.

There are so many potential branding lawsuits in this video. Also a clear sign of LNTELLIGENCE, one of the girls carrying around a gas canister into Target and several other locations, pedophiles and pyromaniacs rejoice. They never do get gas, but they steal someone's paris hilton dog at the end. Perhaps they plan on burning it for party starter fuel.

Also included for you viewing pleasure, "amber alert", the worst use of auto-tune ever in a song about fucking amber alerts. Show parents, what the fuck?

Don't miss out on the third video which features their idea of the worst sound imaginable, though I'm not sure they can top "party starter"

compare and contrast

Why yes, the girl on the right is wearing a blank cd on her head.

Angry naked man...

ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- An angry, naked man commandeered a school bus full of teenage students Thursday in Atlanta, police said.

The man drove the bus for less than a mile before a student confronted him and the bus crashed into a wall off the road, according to police.

The incident started Thursday afternoon when the bus stopped to let students out, said Atlanta police officer James Polite.

Arris Pitmon, 23, darted toward the bus and hoisted himself in through an open window, Polite said.

Pitmon took control of the bus as the frightened driver ran to the back of it, the officer said. While the bus was moving, the man abandoned the steering wheel and walked toward the back of the bus, Polite added.

A student then ran toward the steering wheel, prompting the man to fight the student. The unmanned bus continued until it left the roadway and crashed.

Students fled the bus, many using the back door emergency exit, and onlookers subdued the man until police arrived.

Some students were taken to area hospitals. Their conditions weren't available Thursday night.

Chiquita Rogers told CNN affiliate WXIA that the man had tried to hit some of the students, including her 16-year-old, Donte.

"He pushed my son, and that's when my son hit him. I guess everybody started swinging, and everybody just started out the back door, jumping. I'm just grateful that my son is still alive, because it could have been worse."

Onlooker Corey Turner told WXIA, "Children were jumping out the emergency door ... jumping off the bus. ... They were saying, 'Help, help, help! ... Somebody hijacked the bus.'

This isnt a song, its a conversation.

Apparently when you write 10,000 songs, self-editing is not one of your strong suits.

I would put up a "prom queen" link but I think sasha's post on the "lil lolitas" singing an auto-tuned ballad about "amber alerts" might have dethroned Lil Wayne for the title of worst and stupidest use of auto-tune ever.

I will also add that R Kels "real talk" kicks the shit out of this song, if we are comparing retarded stream of consciousness balladeering. James Joyce is spinning in his grave.

From lil' wayne's song "cryin out for me"

"So I met this shawty the otha day

I got her numba called her up like what u duin
She say nuuin
I say what's good?
She say not much
I say guess what
She say wassup
I say I think we should hook up
She say uh...
I say what?
She say but...
I say but... ?
Why u stuck?
She say f**k
I say who?
She say not u
I say then who
She say u kno
I kno what?
U kno who
I say I do?
She say u do"

France isn't a country; Hungarian's speak french.

Game Show LNTELLIGENCE is an easy target, but this one to quote Blades of Glory "bottles the mind". "Hungry, I've heard of Turkey". I take special pride in the fact the my cousin's daughter-Mackenzie-one of the 5th graders, openly mocks the contestants abject stupidity.

Part of me died inside after watching this.